There are things about me that won’t change. I plan things… and love to carry a calendar. I hate snow, but live in Michigan… it is a veritable fact that for 4-5 months of the year, I will be miserable. I trust people more than I probably should and therefore have walls that people must “scale” to get close to me. I also don’t like it when people lie to (or about) me… and talk behind my back. And this brings me to the concept of friendship… what it has taught me and how I won’t change how I feel about it.
The idea of friendship seems so easy, so carefree, so simple. You have a friend and you love them. You show them that you care in whatever ways you can. When you are young, having a best friend is key – like having a sister (as I was not blessed with one). Because you learn about life & the world from each other and share everything.
As I grew up, I had a best friend… and it was a wonderful relationship. I wish that I was still in contact with her, because I’m sure that she would be a great support to me as I would try to be to her. But situations in life (among other things) drew us apart and while I long for that friendship back, I know that it won’t ever be that way again. Absence.
Upon entering high school, people I thought were my friends took advantage of me and the insecurities I had in myself. I wanted to be liked so badly (by anyone that would like me) that they fooled me into thinking that I was liked by one of the “popular” guys. It hurt only to find out that they were playing a cruel joke on me the whole time. Hurt.
After this, I stepped into my own world… a secluded world that I considered safe as I didn’t really have friends. I had acquaintances. Then my senior year of high school came upon me, and the avalanche of lies began with these “friends”. I was alone and devastated, sitting in the hallway by the library doing all I could not to cry as groups passed by me day after day. It was only a few weeks after this turn of events that year, that I learned again what true friendship was about. A group welcomed me in, cared for me and invited me to be a part of their world. It was wonderful, the most amazing thing I had ever been a part of. And when our senior year ended, we went our separate ways… and I lost touch with many of them. Sadness.
Then recently I became friend with a group that identified with me. They understood struggles that I have had for years, and one person in particular, shared many of these experiences. An event was to take place and as it drew close, only one member of the group was able to make it. And due to circumstances beyond me, she decided to go home early. In a time where I wanted to be laughing and making great memories, I was crying. One person ended our friendship because of a misunderstanding. And then I learned of the story behind these events and that I was lied to repeatedly, both before and after. Disappointment. Anger. Shock.
Throughout the years, friendship has come in many forms and variations. High school, college, work, church, online. I have tried to “buy” friends, suffocated friends, given friends space. But never has there been a best friend again. Loneliness.
And even though I have seen my fair share of negative experiences, I still value friendship more than anything. I want to trust people and know that I am cared for. I want to be loved and share with others happy and sad times in their lives. I want to have a life full of people that want to know the real me… not necessarily the one that “is the person who lost all the weight”.
I want friends to know the real me. The me that stands in Walgreen’s trying to decide whether I want to buy the Peanut M&M’s or the Peanut Butter M&M’s. The me that believes that there is good in everyone, no matter how hard they make you believe it isn’t there. The me that would drop EVERYTHING just to be there for a friend in happy and sad times. The me that still loves you… even after you hurt me. That won’t change.
